HI, my name is Sam.

Im a 23 year old male living in Melbourne, Australia and have just realised that I have HIV in the last 2 days. As I write I feel a sense of numbness I cannot define. I live at home with my parents, we are a tradtional european type of close-knit family with a religous background. My parents dont speak English and I dont think they would have even heard about the HIV disease. My mind feels like its slowed down 10 fold, its as if nothing is wrong, I feel nothing. I am the smallest within a family of 7 brothers and sisters, and over the years my parents have expereinced alot of pain from some of my siblings, this has led to my parents becoming extremely close and connected to me. They see me as there last hope in life. I cannot comprehend the scale of the consequences of what I have done. I have not only destroyed my life, I have also destroyed the lives of my parents. It would be less painful for them if I just stabbed them, thats how connected they are to me, ofcourse I wouldnt do that. This is what hurts and shocks me above all else, I have literally killed my own parents by contracting this virus, I have destroyed their lives and hope. We are a middle class family, and things like this just dont seem like they are going to happen to me. You hear that phraise so much these days, 'oh it wont happen to me menatlity'. I still cannot believe what has happened. Just now as I drove my mother back from my brothers house she was asking me when I wanted to get married, they are always asking me that as they are elderly and want to see me settle down in their life time, how do I tell them that day will never come.

I have never considerd suicide so seriously. Although my parents are religous and I have knowledge of reliogen, I dont practice religen on a daily basis. Not until now have I considered reliogen so seriously. I know suicide is against my reliogen and at the moment thats the only thing holding me back from going ahead with it. Im soul searching at the moment to find where I do stand about religen and what I really believe, the outcome will determine life and death. I am afraid of going to hell. That is not something I thought I would ever say in my life, I was the one always making jokes about heaven and hell now I find myself at the door.

I know my death will be disastrous to my family, in particular my parents, but atleast then my father will have a postive memory of me to hold on to, it will not be one of shame. My father cares much about what other people say about him and his family, its sort of a community thing old Europeans have. Now I will bring him the largest amount of shame he has experienced in his life. I will be the source of that shame. As I write I am still scratching the rashes that have developed on my neck, its sort of a reminder of my dilemma.

For just over a year now I have been keeping a daily journal, today I went out and bought a shredder and have so far destroyed half of them, I will finish the other half tonight. I am preparing for my death. This is not a HIV POSITIVE STORY, and I aplogise for that but I needed to express my feelings to someone. What I have done to my family is unforgivable. I feel so much shame and hatred for myself that I cannot define in words. Tell me do I have any other choice. I have read through every single story on this web site and cannot comprehend the strengh of these people, you are all superb human beings, gay-straight or bi, it doesnt matter. I believe had it not been for the shame I have bought my family I too would one day have written a positive story, unfortunately that is not to be the case. Peace and strengh to all who suffer at the hands of this virus.

Sent via Email October 15, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia.

Unfortunatly the Email address that Sam gave bounced......and l hope that he comes back to the site to check if his story has been posted to read my message to him

Sam, this is what l wanted to say to you:

Sam, l haven't walked in your shoes and l haven't had to face the dilemas that l get in via email and post on this website but sometimes l'm in awe of the courage and strength that is shown by people.

Sam, that is what you have to find and l mean you HAVE to.Please do not speak of preparing for your death, this is not the way.

The story l have to give you is this....
Two days after l decided to do this website as a Masters project at RMIT, a friend told me he was HIV+. That was something like eight years ago, treatments were improving but it was a pretty bleak thought for his future.
But he has never stopped in life, he's on meds but he has remained healthy and works harder than anyone l know. He is inspirational as a person, he didn't let HIV get in the way of living.

You need to talk to someone about how you feel, about your future and how your going to look after your body and go forward to live your life.

Please don't talk about preparing for your death. HIV is not a death sentence, it is about living with a disease and YOU CAN!

HIV is stigmatised in parts of the world and in parts of all communities but really it should not be, that is in a perfect world.

Sam, l live in Melbourne too and there are support services here and right now you need to take the next step and talk to someone who knows what you are feeling.
I'm not sure if you are straight , bi or gay......the only reason l mention this is because there are services for gay men and straight men.

Sam, call and speak to someone and remember that there is no law that says that you have to tell your parents. Sexual partner...yes, but you can live your life and not share your status if that is what allows you to live your life and move forward.

Please, please contact me again to discuss who you can call in Melbourne.

Will be thinking about you.

Carolena
HIV AIDS Positive Stories Website
stories@hivaids.webcentral.com.au