Well... to go right back to the beginning, i was with my first boyfriend for four years. We were both virgins before we slept together, and that was until about age 19. I never worried in the slightest about STDs. Age 19, having had the best possible A-level grades, i went off to university. My boyfriend went to a different university, and i ended it because, well if am honest, i believed as they say, the grass was greener on the other side. I came from a small town, where everybody knew eachother etc, and i soon began to realise that other men were interested. I then started seeing my second boyfriend, and we slept together, with condoms initially, but then stopped as i went on the pill, but he was also a virgin and had no other risk factors, so i didnt worry. After a few months, that ended and i met boyfriend number three. Now, at the time i trusted him, he told me he had slept with four other girls, all protected bar one incident with one girl in which the condom broke. We began a relationship, well if thats what you'd call it. To be honest it was more like a fling, we did nothing appart from sleep together everynight in my room at the halls of residence at uni. We had sex every night, all protected, then the night before i left uni to go home for the summer, the condom broke. I was gutted, i just knew something felt odd, i had a bad feeling about it. I looked at him accusingly, to which he replied straight away defensively, "you think I've given you something". I couldnt get those words out of my head. To cut a long story short, i ended the 'relationship' because he wasnt the man for me. We werent compatible in the slightest. That summer, i thought about it some more, and i really didnt trust him, plus the girl he had slept with that the condom broke with was very promiscuous. And another thing that held tight in my head was the fact that he was so adamant of putting the condom on himself, and he would take ages making sure it was on right. At first i thought maybe he was being extra careful, but then i thought, why was he?

A few weeks after the condom broke, i got thrush for the first time. I went to the GUM clinic to get tested. All came back negative, and i was relieved but i was too frightened to get the HIV test, so i declined it and lied and said i had given blood a few weeks previously. Then it all snowballed out of control, i began to worry constantly. I was convinced i was positive. I cried and cried with my mum, who tried her best to convince me that i was healthy. I obsessed about it. Then what followed was just the beginning of a chain of events that led me to utter despair..

- about 8 weeks after the 'encounter' i got ill. I woke up in the morning with a headache, and was photophobic. I then had the most severe abdominal cramping, which led to watery diarrhoea. The illness subsided after about a day and a bit, but the cramping and diarrhoea had continued for 2 weeks!! I lost weight, but I didnt have a fever at all, but did experience a few night sweats which i have never had before. I went to see the doctor, who did some blood tests and a stool sample, all of which showed nothing.
- about 8 months after that i woke up in the night, shivering with chills. I had never experienced the flu nor a fever before that, and thats when i experienced my first fevers. My head and face were in pain, my joints ached, i felt nauseus and fatigued, then the diarrhoea started. I was ill for no longer really than 24hours. So i never went to see my doctor, but a doctor friend of mine said it was viral gastroenteritis.
- during this i didnt really panic, because i was a logical person, and was very aware of the symptoms of HIV. I also had 2 swollen lymph nodes in my neck. One as large as 2cm long. It was then that i started to panic. I started putting two and two together, and coming up with 8!! I went to see my doctor twice, and both times he told me that my glands felt normal, and he reluctantly did some blood test which showed nothing.
- i have psoriasis, which got much worse.
- i got thrush again, twice more! although they did clear up on their own.
- i even started to imagine things. I thought i had strange spots on my legs! I thought i was having chills( but it was just cold and ive always been a cold mortal!). I was paranoid when i lost a pound in weight!

Anyway, nearly three years went by, and i went through stages of utter panic and depression, and then denial that such a thing would happen to me, during which i was happy. I didnt have a sexual relationship with anyone after that. That was until i met the most amazing man. He was everything i had ever wanted. He was loving and kind, supportive, handsome and sexy. After about a month of dating we had protected intercourse. This then progressed to unprotected as i went on the pill. I knew he was free of STDs, including HIV as he went and got tested before we got together. At this time in my life i was so happy, i truly thought i didnt have the diseaseas i felt so healthy and happy. That was until about three months ago, I gave hime thrush, and i read something in a magazine which made me relive the whole nightmares over again. I knew i had to do something. I was going mad, reading the internet, my work started to suffer, and i became depressed. My boyfriend knew something was wrong, and i told him about my worries. His reaction was amazing. He was so supportive, kept saying for me to get tested, and that he would be with me every step of the way. He was so selfless, not at any point did he think about his own health. This made me feel so loved and wanted. I also told my mum about my worries yet again. In the end, i stumbled upon this website, and i read every story on there, and i thought well if these ppl are negative and they thought they had symptoms then maybe i did too. So i went the next day with my boyfriend to get the test. I waited 4 days for the results, i couldnt eat nor sleep in those days. I felt nauseated with worry. Then the day came, and my mum came with me for the reasult. When i was called in i was on the verge of tears, and when the nurse said i was NEGATIVE! I broke down with tears of happiness! I couldnt believe it. All those years of worry, and there was no need. I had turned to God, and prayed that he would give me another chance at a full life. And i believe that everything happens for a reason, and maybe i was meant to worry like that, because i realised so many things. I realised that helath is much more improtant that material things, i realised that i had the most wonderful mum and boyfriend, who would support me through anything. It really opened my eyes to how happy one can be just living their life healthy with a loving family around them!

Sorry that this is such a long post, i just felt that maybe by me telling my story it may give someone else the inspiration to take the test! And whether the outcome be good or bad, it much better knowing than living your life in fear as many have done. Its like someone else said, its the situation we fear.
I look back now, and with a logical mind i can rationalise my symptoms...
- the diarrhoea i had - i ate a chillie out in a restaurant the night before, and i had developed post-infectious irritable bowel syndrome! which explains the diarrhoea for so long.
- the second was purely viral gastroenteritis (and it did only last a day)
- my psoriasis was worse due to stress!
- the gland in my throat - well i discovered that those glands drain my scalp, and i have psoriasis on my scalp. i since found that psoriasis causes enlarged lymph nodes.so that would explain that!
- thrush...well every woman gets thrush now and agin! and mine went after one or no treatment!

There you have it, an example of when your mind can really play tricks on you, and you only believe what you want to believe. I urge anyone who is worried to get tested. I hopfully will never worry again, and i will make sure that if i am ever with a new partner in the future that he gets tested before we sleep together.
Good luck to all of you, you are in my thoughts. May God be with you.

P.S If you would like any support or encouragement to get tested, post on this site and let me know, and i will reply to your email address.

Sent via Email May 24, 2006 from United Kingdom.