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Tomorrow
I am going to be tested. I am so scared. I have made the decision to be
tested, because I can no longer live with the anxiety and depression. Fear
of HIV has ruined my life. I am to blame. My habit of visiting sex workers
is the reason. I know I am addicted to sleeping with prostitutes. It is
a problem linked to an addictive disorder. Its not the first time I have
gone through terrible anxiety and then got tested. My story with fear of
Hiv started a year and a half ago. A few cycles have passed of soul wracking
anxiety and then getting tested. But nope, soon as I found out I was negative,
I was out and about looking for sex workers. I am in therapy at the moment
for drug addiction and have realized everything is connected. The wretched
drugs, they will kill you sooner or later...
The fear of HIV has
ruined my attitude to life. Tomorrow, if I am negative I am going to stay
clean from prostitues even if it means masturbating for the rest of my
life. I cannot handle the anxiety and depression. It has been up to now
a vicious circle. My recent exposures have been unprotected insertive
oral, so I know the risk is low but there is still a RISK. I had symptoms
for many months and the mind is so powerful it manifests symptoms as well.
I hate myself for doing this to myself. It is a story of Mr. Jekyl &
Hyde. I wish HIV did not exsist. It has even brought me to a point were
I am contemplating suicide. I know, see a phsyciatrist. I already have
a good one, but no medication will cure the anxiety, only a negative test
result.
What I am trying
to say, its not worth it. Putting yourself at risk and then going through
anxiety and depression and possibly HIV. I salute people living with HIV.
I pray to God not to test me, I don't believe I am strong enough to deal
with such a illness. I will NEVER put myself at risk again. Today, this
is the first page of a new chapter in my life. No more anxiety and depression
because of HIV. God bless you all.
Sent via Email April
10, 2006 from Isreal.
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