This story is about the fear of the unknown.
I am 21 years old and have recently tested positive for HIV. It was the first test. The second test results come back tomorrow night.
I have been vacillating between terror and steady relaxation over the last 6 days. I woke up the first two days with terror that numbed into boredom.
I would like this result to be a mistake. I don't remember a time I so desperately wanted anything so much. The more questions I asked initially, the more I realized how much was really not known. There are 70 documented causes of false-positve factors on tests. No one has isolated a live form of the virus yet. The first time any substantial substance was isolated was in 2000. Often, the protease inhibitors will make a person more sick that the virus ever will. And the list goes on of speculations and
So now, it's night time and I'm typing and I'm fighting a terror deep in my gut. My intuition is telling me that I'm fine. My intuition is telling me to let God and the Universe take care of things. I have to fight to stay connected to that, otherwise, it's a senseless terror that paralyzes me.
I do not know. I do not want to live in fear constantly. This may be the worst part of any sickness, not knowing what is happening or why or how it will affect you and the people around you.
In the end, I will eventually come to grips with whatever the outcome is. At this point, it will not matter anymore if I have anything, but how I'm prepared to deal with my life from this point onward. This is the reality that a person must come to understand before they have the answers. Positive or Negative.
Good luck to all of you.
Bryan

Email Author

Sent via Email, April 7, 2005 from Jackson, New York City.