Exactly two years ago, I got paranoid and had myself checked for everything and all results came negative. Its like winning first prize in lottery for me. He gave me the greatest gift in this world which is my life....he gave me a Miracle. In jubilation I promised God that from then on I will mend my ways and dedicate my life serving God. For a while I did... I went to church every Sunday and thank the Lord for all the blessing he gave and learned never ask for more.
Then, years past I went the wrong turn again, I have been living a daily living hell ever since. Having this constant worry and anxiety about possibly being infected with it... is almost unbearable. I starting slipping into depression and being anxiety ridden. I have become quite paranoid about symptoms and so forth that I‚m checking myself constantly for the slightest thing that seems abnormal or symptoms. I had depressions, rash, muscle pains, sinus infection ( post nasal drips), headaches( light headedness), malaise(uneasiness), tired feeling (fatigue), nightsweats, but never a fever. All of them came one at a time except for sinus infection and headaches. I am constantly doing research in the internet...that makes me more worried.
A living nightmare and having no one to talk to about it makes it so much worse. I have been so nervous. I often want to cry and I keep on thinking about having it. I did real shameful thing. I only told my doctors about my fear and was told to wait for three to six months for the test. I dread the test but I must take it to make my mind off it. Because of this, I am contemplating on committing suicide everyday, fearing the wrath of God will give me what I fear most...‰it‰ and a shameful death. I do not fear death but how... is what I fear most. I am asking for forgiveness and mercy from God and to my family on what I might do.
The only thing that keeping me from doing it is the love of my Mom , Dad, family, relatives, and everyone who is close to me. God gave me what I need, I have a good job and a good home. I can say I have a great life.
I felt I failed everyone, myself and especially Lord God. I promised him not to do it again but I did it again. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and mercy. I wish I could turn back time but I cannot. I don't know what I am going to do. No amount of money is ever worth this agony. I really screwed up and I can never change that, especially if I have it.
Next week, I will take the test and hope that it‚s not too late for me and again promising God that I will do my best to stick to my promises.
Lord I am praying for another miracle.

Sent via Email Tue Apr 13,2004 from the Philippines.