I was born in 1984, I've gone through a lot of things in my 19 years of life but finding out I was Hiv positive took a toll on me. I've been Raped by a family member, I lost my mother to a car accident, I lost my grandfather a couple of months later, moved in with my abusive father, lived in 7 different homes in a year felt like no one cared like no one understood the pain that was killing me inside. I ran away from the hurt & pain I ran away from home at 15. I fell in love with a much older person than me old enough to be my mother & father, maybe I was looking for something that was missing in my life some people might say, but what I know is that I was in love and it felt right there was nothing that love couldn't heal.

Time went on and I got involved with the wrong people I thought I chose my friends carefully and I was taken advantage of again. I was scared I did not know what to think this person I thought was a friend had a bunch of pill bottles in a drawer next to their bed so that morning I went to get tested they said they wouldnt be able to tell me if the person who I've been with that morning had Hiv they asked me if I wanted to take the test anyways so I did, two weeks later I get call telling me to come in they sat me down in the back room of the clinic and they said to me "your results came back positive for Hiv" the room suddenly got so quiet I sat there with no kind of expression on my face I was shocked my mind was wondering in so many directions I asked my self is this the end of me? I wont be able to have any kids?!! What about my family? Will they still love me? Will they treat me different? what about my relationship? Is it over? will he understand? will he still love me? who gave it to me? I was mad, hurt, shocked, & scared at the same time.

The next day he got tested he then gets a call two weeks later asking him to come in he returns home with a sad look on his face and tells me he is HIV positive at that point we didnt know what to think that night we hugged eachother tight like there was no tomorrow. Time went by and it seemed like the sun didn't shine like it use to shine the wind didnt blow my direction anymore then it hit me I started to cry like a baby, I didnt have a mother that I can talk to or turn to in my time of need my family doesnt know, it felt like I was living a double life so I decided to tell some of my family they turned their backs and pushed me away the only people who cared were a cousin and my younger brother they understood, my aunt and uncle who have been looking for me for 7 years ever since my mother died found out I was positive through my brother for the first time someone older than me and in the family didnt push me away felt like the sun shined like it use to shine the wind blew in my direction I was happy to know someone still loves me I later thanked my brother for telling them for me because I wouldnt of been able to face rejection once again, but now that things seem to be going good Hiv is still slowly eating me away I lost my insurance in January and I havent seen a doctor since November It's been 6 months now that I've been off meds me and my partner have been off meds the same amount of time so he went to get blood counts done they said to him he was on the verge of full blown Aids and I'm scared because I might be full blown and till' this day I havent seen a doctor I dont have insurance or a case manager, the only thing I know is that check for the insurance application got lost and it would take more than a couple of months to get it back the clinic that I was being seen at told me that they didnt wanna see me anymore but I guess time will tell my destiny. Aint it funny how a virus so serious like Hiv makes you see how precious life is? I learned not to take things for granted because it could all be taken away in an instant. If I had a chance to speak to my family who decided to turned their backs on me I would say to them cherish the moments and those they love because sometimes you really dont know what you got till it's gone...

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Sent via Email Mon Apr 5, 2004 from Wisconsin, US.