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"So, should I start over?" the
doctor asked. I had just walked back into my husband's hospital room.
Steven nodded.
Very graciously, the doctor continued. He reviewed my husband's illness,
pnuemocystis carinii pneumonia, and reminded us that this kind of illness
only occurs when the immune system is broken down. AIDS was a possible
culprit and he was here to give the results of my husband's HIV test.
"Your test was positive. And because you have this pneumonia, you have
AIDS."
The doctor was very gentle in explaining my need to be tested, the new
treatments available, and the local organizations that assist those
living with AIDS.
I heard him, in the background of my thoughts.
"My husband has AIDS. Lord, what does this mean? What do we do? How
do I keep my heart from shattering?"
I had been a Christian since I was 5 yrs. old. I always remember the
Lord with me, even when I made wrong choices or questioned His ways.
My husband and I knew that God had given us to each other. We each heard
Him specifically say, "this one is for you," without the traditional
dating experience. Our wedding was blessed. All needs and desires met.
In our first year, we learned to communicate 'no holds barred.' We were
knit together, unlike any marriage I had ever seen. I knew God had blessed
me over and abundant of what I had asked in a husband. Despite our differences,
I was 'at home' with him - Steven - lover of my soul.
"How could this be happening?" I thought. I knew God had brought us
together. There was no denying it. Yet, I didn't understand how He could
have let this happen. I could not figure it out. It seemed we were led
to be married and make a variety of future plans. How could we be hearing
the Lord and experiencing AIDS? Why would He put us together, then allow
'AIDS' to happen? In my thinking, 'future' and 'AIDS' were like oil
and water.
There was no way they could successfully blend.
Upon the doctor's recommendation, I was tested. The results- -positive
for HIV. In those long 2 weeks before the results, I had prepared myself
for the "what if" of being HIV positive. But I had not prepared
myself for what the doctor said about my status: AIDS, due to a below
200 Cd4 count. I thanked him for calling, hung up the phone and lay
on my bed. My husband put his arms around me and we stayed there for
long time.
The next several weeks were
an ever-changing climate of thought and emotion. I did have some physical
symptoms, such as fatigue and recurrent yeast infections. But my biggest
battle was in my heart and mind. My heart was broken. I questioned God
over and over. I cried. I feared. The future seemed stormy and unstable.
I was afraid Steven would die and leave me here alone. I was sad. Memories
flooded my mind. I would remember myself as a young person, not knowing
this would happen. It felt like I had lost any remaining innocence,
any purity. I felt the shame that comes with being HIV+. I couldn't
tell just anyone what was going on (especially since I worked in a day-care).
My husband and I didn't have an 'acceptable' disease. We had AIDS. Some
family members and friends were unsure how to treat us. Some didn't
know how the disease was contracted and feared casual contact. Some
interactions with others were painful...angering. Yet, when I questioned
God, when I screamed at Him, when I cried to Him, and when I was broken
before Him, He would speak to me. He continued to soothe my shaky heart
with His words. Through all the turmoil, He held me up.
One of the first things He said to me was a promise I have held as my
'banner cry.' I had asked the Lord what was He saying about this whole
experience. 'Psalm 118' jumped into my head. In looking it up, I was
immediately drawn to verse 17. It states "I will live and not die
-I will stand and declare the works of the Lord forever!" I wept.
I do not know that many scriptures by way of their book and verse title.
Usually I have to look up a phrase in a concordance and then find it
in the Bible. Rarely ever do scripture titles 'jump' into my thoughts.
I knew that this was the Lord, my Father, speaking to me, His frightened
child.
The Lord also spoke through others directly to us. One evening, Steven
went to a special service our church was having. Not knowing our situation,
one of the ministers walked up to Steven and began to declare, "Life!!!
The curse of death is broken! Life!!! Take this home and speak to the
whole house: LIFE!!" The minister repeated this blessing several
times. Steven brought this word home to me. The bit of faith and hope
I did have amidst the fear and doubt, was strengthened. The Lord continued
to minister to my heart. He reminded me of the story of Abraham being
asked to sacrifice Isaac. God commanded Abraham to surrender his promised
son. This one who would be the beginning of a great nation was about
to be killed by his own father. Would Abraham trust God enough to give
up Isaac? How would God keep His promise if Isaac died? Abraham and
Isaac walked up the mountain. Isaac kept asking,"Father, what are
we going to sacrifice?" Abraham would reply, "the Lord will
provide a ram." The Lord did provide a ram and Isaac did not die
that day. In replaying this story, the Lord asked, "are you willing
to give him (Steven) up? Are you willing to sacrifice him to me?" Broken
again, I had to do it. There was nothing I could do about the illness.
I couldn't hold on to Steven. I couldn't keep him from dying. I had
held him in my heart so tightly. I was afraid he would die. Yet, to
have peace, I had to let him go. That act of surrender was a turning
point in my thinking about AIDS and our future.
I let go of the little control
I had. I started looking up scriptures about life. My life was in the
Lord, despite AIDS. I was still in Christ. That did not change because
I was now diagnosed with a terminal illness. I could rest in the Lord.
I didn't have to fear death or the future. I put Christ back on the
throne, as King of my life. AIDS was a situation in my life, not the
King of my life. No matter how much effort I had to put into taking
care of myself, I was determined to allow Christ to rule me, not AIDS.
Christ came to the forefront, over AIDS.
Putting those 2 words, 'AIDS' and 'future' together does not seem ridiculous
now. Steven's had his share of indicator diseases. I've had more minor
illnesses. Steven decided to stop taking the prescribed medications
that were making his quality of life miserable. I continue to take those
prescribed for me. In all of the conditions surrounding our life the
past 2 1/2 years, the Lord gives His peace, including the desire to
fulfil the vision for our family and business.
Neither Steven or I had any children. We knew the Lord designed us to
be parents. We each contemplated "should we or shouldn't we?"
for over a year. When one of us would think "YES!" the other
would think "NO!" Finally, we were in agreement. On July 1, 1999, the
2 year anniversary of my positive HIV test, I learned I was pregnant.
This year, 2000, on January 7, Tristan Jude ("clamorous praise")
Hunt was born. He is a beautiful, healthy baby boy. As of this writing,
he has been tested for HIV twice and both results were negative.
Steven has been well for quite a while. Medically speaking, I have ceased
being in the AIDS category since last fall. My Cd4 count is about 300
and continues to rise. I continue to grow in faith and hope and understanding
of God's will. It is in Him we live, we move, and have our being, not
AIDS.
Sent via email from Kimberly, USA. July, 2000.
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